It's been a very long time since I posted an update. There's a number of reasons for this, I've been a bit down because of stress about some unrelated things, I do regret deciding to document certain changes to youknowwhat, and progress has slowed.
Four days back I had a check-in with my counsellor at the hospital, booked before I started HRT. During the session I felt like a bit of a fake because everything was going well. He did raise his eyebrows when I said I now felt a lot less pressure to strive for a more feminine look since starting HRT, then used the term "Performance Art" about how I was dressing before. I needed to explain how when how I dressed was the only way to signal my mental state it was much more important than it is now that there were real changes happening in my body. In retrospect a very poor choice of words when talking to someone not in the entertainment world. We agreed that I don't need to book any more sessions with him unless something comes up that is concerning me.
As I left the session I bumped into my endocrinologist, he asked how I was & I had a beaming smile and said things were wonderful. He looked surprised & said he doesn't often hear people saying that. I told him that the medications he'd prescribed me were working wonders. Nice to have made somebodies day.
The physical changes I mentioned in previous blog posts are continuing. Some large, some small.
My breasts have become more defined. Still not enough to actually fill a cup, but definitely heading that way. A few days back I woke up and walked out to the bathroom in the tank top I'd slept in and was stunned to notice myself in the mirror. I said "Holy [expletive], I’ve actually got tits!". I stood there transfixed for a few minutes prodding them and watching them wobble, then I got tired of the game and stopped. Last night I told that story to a couple of guys in the bar at the Classic comedy club & they mentioned the old adage that if men had breasts they'd play with them non-stop. I don't know if it's because they really are my breasts or because I'm not a man but I didn't feel any of that.
Somebody told me I should have called them breasts not tits because cows have tits. Excuse me but cows have teats, breasts are what KFC put in their burger stacks. I have tits! My body, my words & that's what I said when I looked in that mirror.
The nipples are still growing but more slowly. 19½ years back I had a nipple pierced, fully healed for over 19 years. Starting a couple of weeks back I've had some pain and leakage from the piercing. At first it worried me then I realised it was very similar to the original healing and I'm picking that as the nipples have grown it's put pressure on the original scar tissue which will now need to reform in the new size. The effect seems to be reducing so I'll just put it down to the this explanation.
My buttocks have also grown. Plus side, now I have my own cushions, I can sit comfortably for longer on hard chairs. I'm not sure if this is going to turn into a huge negative & I'm going to worry about how big they are growing but we'll see.
My lips are also still becoming more rounded, again more slowly.
My throat have very quickly become wrinkled. Not happy about that, but it's a small downside.
Does my mind work differently? Given that my mind is how I perceive the world, how can I tell? I noticed that I was having trouble writing new jokes, but this was more likely caused by the unrelated stress & I managed to churn out several new jokes while waiting for my turn to go on stage on Wednesday night. For the last couple of years I’ve been mining my transgender experiences for comedy material. Now I’ve actually got tits this has to change, I’ll milk them instead.
On to the youknowwhat part. I basically have lost interest in reporting / experimenting. After several days of not doing anything I tried around the 31st of August. It took manual intervention to get it going & when I finished about 10 minutes later there was a tiny amount of fluid produced, definitely a dribble not a spurt.
I didn't try again for a couple of weeks when I noticed that vaguely erotic thoughts would cause a sensation like the sound of gears trying to engage and not quite engaging. It was uncomfortable so I decided I should record another data point. This time when I finished no fluid was produced. I haven't felt any need to try again since. I think I probably only will if I get that uncomfortable sensation again.
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