Today was my second appointment with a specialist at Auckland Sexual Health. A week ago he made sure I understood what HRT would and would not do for me and the risks attached. Then some blood was taken. Today was a brief meeting where he reviewed the results of the blood tests, everything was OK, he answered the couple of questions I had, wrote me the prescriptions and made a follow-up appointment for 2 months.
My prescription is in two parts. Cyproterone acetate to block and ultimately stop the production of testosterone and Estradot, a patch delivering oestradiol transdermally. The tablets I'm to take daily while the patches are left on and replaced every 3½ days.
I've thought of almost nothing else for the last week and a half. Yes I do want to feminise my body to match my mental picture of myself but some of the changes and risks are a bit scary. There's also the love-hate relationship I have with my libido. Like most transgender people I don't like having or using the wrong sex bits I was born with and for a few years my dysphoria has meant I have been unwilling to bring myself to use them with a partner but at the same time I guiltily obtain a physical pleasure from self induced orgasms. The cyproterone acetate should end the ability to obtain a male sexual response, the production of semen and so ejaculation. In theory it will also turn off my libido so I won't miss that.
I got the prescription filled, raced home, looked at the packets and the jar of tablets and asked myself very seriously if this is what I want. Do I want breasts and hips or do I want (male) orgasms? Do I want to start today, tomorrow, or forget it. At first I thought I would start immediately but I made myself go through the pros and cons one last time. "Forget it" wasn't an option to be seriously considered. Tomorrow was ruled out pretty quickly too. It's a bit like when you quit smoking, there's always a reason to leave it until tomorrow; there really are no good reasons for delay so I started the meds immediately. I felt an immediate sense of relief, it was so good to have finally started.
Very shortly after applying the patch I imagined I could feel it going through my body. ½ hour later I noticed a pleasant tingling sensation that faded after round an hour, I've felt relaxed and positive since then. I can't say if this has anything to do with the meds or it is simply that years of preparing and months of hoping for this day have finally come to this point; either way I feel great. As I write, I've had a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye for the last 9 hours.
I think it's time to finish this post. I intend to make it the first of a series of "Dear diary" type posts documenting all the changes I notice both good and bad.