Wednesday, May 20, 2015

A smoking dream

I'm sure I've had them before, but this time I woke up in the middle so I got to remember it. I guess this was a lucid dream, it was certainly believable and followed a logical progression.

I was at a social (probably business related social given how people were dressed) gathering at a place very similar to Auckland University's student union quad. There was indoor outdoor flow and I was outside talking to people.

I bludged a cigarette and smoked it, it was so nice, it was every falling off the wagon first cigarette rolled into one. It was just one so I wasn't going to reset my stats, I've recommended to enough people on quit-line that they shouldn't reset their stats for just one and only a few days for a couple so I was being consistent. Then a bit later I was having another one without even thinking about it. Someone pointed this out and I realised it was a second one, I wasn't even getting that great first cigarette sensation, just having a yucky maintenance cigarette, a slave cigarette.

I put it out immediately and was devastated. I then tried to work out if I should reset my stats back by 5 days or ten. I woke up while I was having this internal debate so I'll never know what I would have chosen but even in a dream I wasn't going to reset back to day 1 for 1½ cigarettes).

When I woke there was another strange thing about this dream. The cigarettes had a logo on them that looked a lot like the Rothmans crest, but rendered in black and white ... I never smoked Rothmans on a regular basis. Holiday brand for about my last 10 years, with other cheaper brands before that. Drum was always my loose tobacco of choice.

When I woke up I was confronted with how scary the thought of going back to smoking is and this dream really had me frightened.

Will it strengthen my resolve? I don't know, but I can't see it weakening it.

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