Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Stress Leave, Non-smoking day 5

I didn't sleep well last night at least in part because I was still stewed up about my mother's comments on Sunday.

I also had two other extra stress creating things today, including a complaint I made to the building manager about rats in the ceiling, and how I think they are getting there (don't ask, she was horrified).

I think normally I would have soldiered on and gone to work but today I just couldn't cope. I phoned my boss, explained that for reasons I didn't want to give, but are unrelated to work, I was too stressed to work and asked for a day's annual leave at zero notice. Luckily he said "Yes" without argument.

I really hate to think how I would have got through the day if he'd said "No". I doubt I would have done any programming worth having.

I've spent most of the day writing a long letter to my mother about Sunday. Explaining how thrown I was by her dragging something up from 43 years ago and denying her allegations as to my responsibility (I don't think the facts themselves are greatly in dispute). I have no idea if I'll send it, but I think writing it helped me. It basically concluded "Yes I was nasty and cruel. I was a child, children often are nasty and cruel. In my child mind it wasn't even that, but of simple self defence. I was taking the only steps my child mind could think of to try and protect myself from your abdication of your responsibility as my parent to protect me and my brothers. Until Sunday I assumed that I had long since moved on. Your bringing it up brought back that feeling of betrayal you engendered in me. I can understand the guilt you must feel, and can see how you might wish to avoid it, but you must accept it if you are to be at peace with yourself."

I had mild desires for a cigarette early afternoon and then slightly stronger about ½ an hour ago (Which is why I'm writing this blog, now ... displacement). Despite the extra stress I didn't have as strong a desire as yesterday.

I did go out to my smoking spot on the back porch a couple of times. Not to smoke, just to stand and think.

Let's hope I sleep well tonight.

An earlier version of this posting was originally published on Quit line on Wednesday 10 September 2014.

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